Learning to Bend
Bruce Lee spoke to me today...Okay well not the real Bruce Lee. However his words that were spoken to me resonated with me. Let's back up a minute though. Whenever I run I always have a couple of tough spots. For whatever reason, miles 1-2 are always a mental challenge. It takes me a couple of miles before I hit my groove, when the thoughts of why I am doing this start to quiet down. Then on my long runs I always hit a tough spot again about 2/3 of the way into the run. A lot of people will refer to it as runners block, I prefer to call it my brick wall. That moment when you are really tired but you have to keep pushing and the negative thoughts start to trickle back in. One of the ways I have adapted to my first hurdle is by listening to mindful meditations. For some reason it gives me a sense of peace starting out. It gives me something to ponder. It often times gives me a reality check. And today I got a big dose of reality check. Thank you Bruce Lee.
Allow me to digress for just a moment and explain some things. Recently the world has been upended. Life has changed for basically all of us. Right now, and for the rest of the school term, my kids will be homeschooled. Normally I am a self-proclaimed type 'A' personality. I live on schedules and routines. Well thank you Covid-19 for teaching me a big fat lesson on going with the flow. And so when our routine and schedules were upended I decided to just roll with it. Because it would not be fair to my kids, who are already dealing with the loss of school and friends, to make life at home rigid and difficult. And by doing so, and going with the flow, we have had some amazing days together. Another challenge has been my constant worry and stress about my husband's daily exposure risk to the virus at work. Again, another thing out of my control. Another thing I try to roll with. But my over-thinking, over-worrying, type 'A' personality had to find something to put all of that energy in to. Something I needed to feel like I could control. And so I put all of that into my running lately. Until Bruce, I feel like we are on a first name basis now, talked to me today I did not realize I had been doing that.
I have really struggled this week with my running but if I am being honest it started last week with my long run. Despite the fact that I still got all of my miles in I was frustrated with myself for having to break up my long run. Trying to embrace the life advice of my grandfathers, but the fact was I was still resisting it. And that flowed over into this week. Monday I missed my tempo run. I had a migraine, something I have not had since my nursing school days and it was awful. The nausea and constant vice grip in my brain were bad enough but trying to keep up with just the kids was pushing me to my limits. So I made the decision there was no way I could run. And that ate at me all day. So when the baby woke up Tuesday morning at 4am for her bottle I decided when she was done I would get my run in and I did. And it actually felt good! Then Wednesday came along and I told myself the night before I would do the same thing but what I did not factor in was my three year old waking me up at 230am and not going back to sleep until almost 4 and then the baby waking up at 430 and needing her bottle. And at that point I was exhausted. So instead I went back to bed. When we all woke up at 645am I was frustrated with myself for not running earlier. So I decided I would run during nap time. I had a very hard run scheduled and that was the only time I felt like I could pull it off. And when I did get my chance to run I had to stop twice to help my older kids. At which point I was even more frustrated with myself and when I was done I cracked. I voice messaged my coach, on the verge of tears and told her I could not do it. I was not a legit runner. All around me I am seeing all of these runners crushing their goals and I feel like I can't breath. About an hour later, and a mindful meditation on embracing progress, I regretted my voice message. I reminded myself I am still making progress, even if it's small.
Fast forward to today. I had a mid distance long run on my schedule. But I woke up frustrated with myself for not getting up early and getting it done before everyone woke up. Yesterday, despite it being my rest day I still laced up at 430am and did a nice easy walk followed by some yoga. Why can't I be consistent with getting up? Why can't I just push myself harder? I thought about my Grandpa. In the military you don't get those choices. You stick to your schedule period. So why can't I? These thoughts plagued me before my run. And then I started my podcast and there was Bruce, with his wise words. And it hit me. Hard. I realized in the last few weeks since my kiddos have been home bound I have not enjoyed my runs like I used to. Not to any fault of theirs but because my normally quiet naptime routine of getting my runs in have changed. I realized that I have been trying so hard to push myself on my runs, and control my situation through running, that I have not been bending to give myself grace and understanding. I have not embraced these changes in my running that I have with our every day life situation. And so after Bruce talked to me I changed my mentality for my run today. All of these weeks I have been trying so hard to push the upper limits of my heart rate zones I am supposed to be in. Today I did not. I set my pace at one that I knew would get me into the zone but that is where I left it. I checked my watch to ensure I was in the right zone and then went on auto pilot and ya know what it was the first time I have smiled after a run in weeks.
I spent the rest of the time reflecting on my last marathon I ran, as well as my grandpa. The process in training for my first marathon taught me that the process will change you. Marathon training will strip you physically, mentally and emotionally. But the beautiful reward at the end is that you grow as a person and life looks a little different. It offers you a kind of perspective you cannot appreciate it unless you do it. I believe this is true about the military. Though maybe not in the warm and fuzzy kind of way. I thought about that today, when I was thinking about my grandpa. In our talks we are just scratching the surface. I have had enough family and friends that were in the military to know that the same process occurs. It strips you down the same way. It breaks you down to rebuild you into what they expect of you. Now I know what our next talk will be about 😊. In regards to running, I realized today I need to let go a little. I need to bend. I need to be flexible and give myself grace. I know along the way I will be challenged. I know this process will push me to my limits and so why then would I want to make it harder for myself. Instead I just need to roll with it.
Allow me to digress for just a moment and explain some things. Recently the world has been upended. Life has changed for basically all of us. Right now, and for the rest of the school term, my kids will be homeschooled. Normally I am a self-proclaimed type 'A' personality. I live on schedules and routines. Well thank you Covid-19 for teaching me a big fat lesson on going with the flow. And so when our routine and schedules were upended I decided to just roll with it. Because it would not be fair to my kids, who are already dealing with the loss of school and friends, to make life at home rigid and difficult. And by doing so, and going with the flow, we have had some amazing days together. Another challenge has been my constant worry and stress about my husband's daily exposure risk to the virus at work. Again, another thing out of my control. Another thing I try to roll with. But my over-thinking, over-worrying, type 'A' personality had to find something to put all of that energy in to. Something I needed to feel like I could control. And so I put all of that into my running lately. Until Bruce, I feel like we are on a first name basis now, talked to me today I did not realize I had been doing that.
Fast forward to today. I had a mid distance long run on my schedule. But I woke up frustrated with myself for not getting up early and getting it done before everyone woke up. Yesterday, despite it being my rest day I still laced up at 430am and did a nice easy walk followed by some yoga. Why can't I be consistent with getting up? Why can't I just push myself harder? I thought about my Grandpa. In the military you don't get those choices. You stick to your schedule period. So why can't I? These thoughts plagued me before my run. And then I started my podcast and there was Bruce, with his wise words. And it hit me. Hard. I realized in the last few weeks since my kiddos have been home bound I have not enjoyed my runs like I used to. Not to any fault of theirs but because my normally quiet naptime routine of getting my runs in have changed. I realized that I have been trying so hard to push myself on my runs, and control my situation through running, that I have not been bending to give myself grace and understanding. I have not embraced these changes in my running that I have with our every day life situation. And so after Bruce talked to me I changed my mentality for my run today. All of these weeks I have been trying so hard to push the upper limits of my heart rate zones I am supposed to be in. Today I did not. I set my pace at one that I knew would get me into the zone but that is where I left it. I checked my watch to ensure I was in the right zone and then went on auto pilot and ya know what it was the first time I have smiled after a run in weeks.
I spent the rest of the time reflecting on my last marathon I ran, as well as my grandpa. The process in training for my first marathon taught me that the process will change you. Marathon training will strip you physically, mentally and emotionally. But the beautiful reward at the end is that you grow as a person and life looks a little different. It offers you a kind of perspective you cannot appreciate it unless you do it. I believe this is true about the military. Though maybe not in the warm and fuzzy kind of way. I thought about that today, when I was thinking about my grandpa. In our talks we are just scratching the surface. I have had enough family and friends that were in the military to know that the same process occurs. It strips you down the same way. It breaks you down to rebuild you into what they expect of you. Now I know what our next talk will be about 😊. In regards to running, I realized today I need to let go a little. I need to bend. I need to be flexible and give myself grace. I know along the way I will be challenged. I know this process will push me to my limits and so why then would I want to make it harder for myself. Instead I just need to roll with it.
Comments
Post a Comment